The Niners lost last week to the Packers in a horrible game. I can’t talk about it. Especially after seeing how good Aaron Rodgers was compared to Alex Smith. Today, the Niner game has started and they are rolling. Looking great. Complete performance so far. Even Alex is playing well… Hopefully a positive wrap-up will be in order.
This has been a big week. After leaving me a few weeks ago to deal with a Russian problem, the Dominican Dandy has finally returned.
What were you doing, Juan? Where did you go?
You went to Vegas? And won the money you needed? Good job. I’m glad you made it out ok. I was worried for a bit. Having said that I don’t think a compulsive gambler should gamble to pay his debt.
But that couldn’t have been it. You were gone for a while. I saw you on television with Bob Costas. I knew you were good, but you really like talking about how good you actually were. You’re so vain. I didn’t know you went to jail as a youngin in the Dominican. Bob Costas really does his research.
So why did you go to jail?
You lost a baseball game? El Jefe Rafael Trujillo must’ve been a mean dude to put kids in jail for losing a baseball game… I guess he was a dictator. Maybe he just loved the team so much that he couldn’t bear the thought of you losing… At least he wasn’t Versace suit wearing Charles Taylor. You probably would’ve been dead.
Nevertheless, you were great on TV and I learned a lot. Maybe I should be interviewed to tell some other stories about you.
What else happened on your trip?
You went to Florida. What did you do there?
You met up with Tiger… Oh no. I see where this is going. What happened? Tiger is mum on the situation, like always.
Where it all went down.
You don’t remember. Come on. Tiger has offered us nothing, except saying it was his fault. You were there. Don’t play with me. Tiger and this event are both extremely mysterious in their own right. We just want to know.
Why did Tiger slam into a tree and fire hydrant he’s driven past for years? What was Juan doing there? How did Tiger end up in the middle of the road with cuts on his face, in a pool of blood, completely disoriented?
Tiger is the most iconic athlete playing any sport today, but one of the most reclusive. In a time when most celebrity-athletes take advantage of their status and are very public about their lives, Tiger is an anomaly. Maybe we can learn something about el Tigre from this mysterious event.
Gotta love the Tiger.
For thirteen years, Tiger Woods has never made the news for anything other than being the greatest. No steroid allegations. No strip club stories. No skeletons. Other than regularly acting like a child and swearing like a truck driver on the course, he’s pretty clean and the example of how our superstars should carry themselves off the field, court, or course…
One night of drinking with Juan and it all goes downhill.
Problem child.
You’re a bad influence. Always getting into trouble. Corrupting the sacred Tiger. If he was dead like the initial reports I would’ve been really angry, Juan. Probably would’ve stayed inside, skipped school and work to watch his funeral. You should be ashamed. Everyone is going to be mad at you, except Jack Nicholas. He’ll probably send you a bouquet of flowers for keeping his records intact.
Really though, Tiger needs to come clean about this incident. He’s been superhuman his whole life and now actually seems to be like the rest of us. He actually bleeds red blood. Amazing. I thought it was green. This was too public of an incident and people actually thought something horrible happened to him.
Why did this happen? Juan doesn’t remember and Tiger won’t talk. Where do we go?
Now go to bed, Juan. No dinner tonight. You leave for two weeks and don’t even call. You should know better. Also, no more hanging out with Tiger, he’s not familiar with your antics and you’re probably the reason all this happened.
Why not?
